There is a story in my life. One I don't talk much about. It isn't exactly a deep, dark secret, but it is very personal. I will talk about it, if the subject comes up. I am not likely to bring the subject up though.
It is a story whose main events happened about 18 years ago, but the story is with me daily. There may be more events in the future. As this story approaches its' anniversary, it has been on my mind a lot. I've felt like posting about it, yet I hesitate. I hesitate, mostly, because some of my readers know me personally, and I am not sure how many of them know this story in my life. If you know me, but do not know this story, I apologize for telling it to you in this format.
This is the story of a girl I know only as M.R. A girl I remember as a baby, but who is actually turning 18 in May. She is my daughter, biologically. I said my goodbyes in a hospital room that May of 1989. She went to live with a family I chose.
Though I received pictures those first few years, I still picture her as a newborn. I can not picture what she looks like now. I can barely believe that she is now the same age as I was when she was born. It seems like yesterday. It seems like another life time.
I'm not sure how much or what I will post here about this story. I just know that it is on my mind and writing about it helps me sort out the thoughts and feelings. So, I guess this post will serve as an introduction for those who don't know about this story in my life and M.R.
I am so hesitant to post this. I actually wrote this 12/29/06, but am just now posting it. Not like me to be shy!
This sounds completely heartbreaking. And extremely difficult for you to talk about - of course it would be. The many different feelings spinning round your mind must be so hard to sort through. And with many unanswered questions.
ReplyDeleteDoes posting it here mean things are getting harder to deal with, or easier? Is it reaching a crisis point? (not that I want that to sound quite so dramatic)
I hope things are okay with you.
What a tough decision you made for your sweet baby! I commend you on your bravery and for giving a good life to M.R. and her parents both. I can't imagine your feelings but my heart and prayers go out to you.
ReplyDeleteI read on another site that blogging is a cheaper form of therapy than anything else. I'd say that's sure true.
Being able to talk about M.R. now, even a bit, is good. Keep working at it and know that it's going to be okay.
Rory,
ReplyDeleteWell it really isn't all that dramatic. I really am at peace with the decision made. Do I wish the situation was different? Well of course, but given the situation I was in adoption was the best for us both.
Posting now isn't b/c things are harder or easier, just different. Her turning 18 soon just leaves me with a mix of emotions and unknowns. I really want her to find me and to get to know her, but I wonder how she really feels about the choice I made, how meeting with her might affect my family now, ect ect.
Oh this comment is turning into a post itself. Maybe I will try to explain better later this week!
I love you kid! You made me cry like a baby! Although this was an still is very hard, I believe it ti the best thing that happened to us. It completely changed our lives. For a hard headed german like me it takes tough times to depend on the Lord! I pray we get to know her!
ReplyDeleteThis is so ironic because I was just thinking about this yesterday! I have always wondered how you feel about this, but I would never have brought it up to you myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you posted about this and hope to know more. Mom had me when she was 18, but kept me. I still don't know my Dad, though. I know who he is and where he lives, but have never contacted him or anything. I wonder, too how it would effect my family now and his.
Wherever she is, I'm sure M.R. is thinking about you.
If you decide to write about it, I look forward (if that's right phrase) to following it.
ReplyDeleteStill hoping things go well for you over this thought-filled time.
What a choice to have to make and how hard it must have been for you to blog about it. Perhaps some young woman somewhere who is adopted will read your words and understand that her birthmother's choice was made out of love for her child and that she's never been forgotten.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably good that you are able to talk about it instead of supressing the memory. I believe that we make decisions that truely are for the best even if they seem hard.
ReplyDeletebe well.
I agree with the other comments that this must have been a heartbreaking choice. The tone of your writing suggests a comfort in your choice, knowing that God would trust your little one to a family that would care for her these last 18 years. How amazing for you to make that difficult decision at the young age you were.
ReplyDelete((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteWhat a strong woman you are!
And a wonderful Mommy - today and 18 years ago.
Just reading your post and thinking about the events surrounding that time, it brought tears to my eyes. I remember in the sixth grade after you have been out of the house for a little while, Lady, our dog died and I went to school I basically broke down. The prinicipal and the secratary thought I was really crying over the dog but in reality I was crying over my big sister being gone and didn't really know how to respond or to act. I guess good ole Lady dying was just the breaking point for me.
ReplyDeleteJake,
ReplyDeleteNow you made me cry. I never really thought how hard it must have been for you too!
Steph, when I saw how much you valued your children and what a tender heart you have, I knew she had to be in your thoughts. And I was sure she was in your parents' thoughts, as well. Even though we weren't with you all in this, she has been on my mind, too, at times. Papaw said, "I pray we get to know her." I will pray to that end for you, too, and that it will be a time of healing for everyone.
ReplyDeleteAunt Nancy
I just read your whole M.R. thread. I think it is wonderful that you have shared this with your blog readers, it seems to have a healing effect to not just think about something, not just write about something, but do blog it too.
ReplyDeleteA new chapter is opening up now, the old chapter is closing. I wish you both luck on this new journey.
Two of my adult friends were adopted and as adults came into contact with their birth families, so I have only heard the story from that angle.
Have a very nice evening!