Thursday, March 17, 2016

I Miss Him

I miss my partner. I miss my best friend. I don't want to do this alone.

The last week or so has been hard. The excitement of new things in the future has been undermined by the nuts and bolts of making those things happen. Sorting through things here is a monumental task. Besides the sheer enormity of the project, there is also the emotional tugs of it.

We poured ten years of blood, sweat, and tears into this place. Everywhere I look there are things we worked on together. There are dreams that won't ever come true. Things we finished, I am tearing apart. There are Tim's things I am not quite sure what to do with. The tasks are large and overwhelming at times, and I know little by little it will get done, but I wish we could just snap our fingers and it would be finished.

There is also Aunt Hazel's house in Akron. I am helping my mom sort through things there, and set it up for a sale. She and her husband lived there their entire marriage. He owned the house before they married. It is crammed full of things and three hours away.

There are parenting challenges. This is the hardest job. Four kids all going through different things while mourning their father. Some more demanding of attention, but all needing attention. Some outwardly challenging and others withdrawn. One of me. Parenting is so hard, and it was not meant to be done alone.

These things, added to the normal daily responsibilities, feel crushing some days. The simple task of putting together a meal and getting the kitchen cleaned up often feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. The kids really are great about helping, but they rarely see what needs done without being asked. Often, they are just as tired as I am by the end of the day. Sometimes their help is more work for me than help, and ultimately, I am responsible for all the daily stuff. I miss having someone to share that with.

I miss my cheerleader, my encourager. He knew how to make me feel appreciated. He always saw the bright side. This might be a rabbit trail, but after Tim died, a friend that he went to graduate school with sent me a note telling me a story she remembered from those days. Basically the story was about how much Tim loved and appreciated me, about how he bragged about my domestic skills and the like. The thing is I considered that the absolute worst year of our marriage. It was a very stressful year, and Tim saw the good things.

I hesitate to post this. I am not looking for answers or for a pity party, though I do allow myself to throw brief ones occasionally. I know I tend to have a martyr complex when under stress. I know the truth is I do have a lot of help and support, but none of it replaces my partner and my best friend. I miss him.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

I Couldn't Resist

We are moving this summer. I should be sorting, packing, or cleaning, but the weather has been truly spring like. With spring, comes the itch. The itch to dig in the dirt. The itch to put tiny little seeds in the ground and wait. Wait for them to grow into beautiful and healthy food for my family. It is just a tad early according to my handy extension garden calendar, but I just couldn't resist.

Yes, this summer is going to be busy. There is a new house to paint, organize, and make our own. There is an old house and property to pack, clean, and get ready for sale. There is child to get settled in a (likely) far off dorm, and three others to prepare for new schooling options. No, a summer garden isn't likely, but a spring garden? Oh yes! There is time for a spring garden.

The raised beds are perfect for the little bit of therapeutic gardening I want to do. My favorite garden tool, lovingly referred to as the claw, is the only tool I need. The claw and I went to work fluffing up the beds and putting in some seeds.

Some of the spinach survived the winter.

We planted snow peas, a variety of lettuces and herbs, Chinese cabbage, and kale. I also got some potatoes ready to plant. The spot I thought I'd plant them isn't going to work, so I'm still deciding on that. I was trying to avoid any tilling, but it might have to happen.

I got a little gardening fix. I guess I better get back to that sorting, packing, and cleaning.

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

A Beautiful Morning

It feels like spring here in the 100 Acre Wood. The people are enjoying it, and the animals are too. This morning is a bit chilly, but the day promises comfortable temperatures and sunshine.

It is a beautiful morning to just sit, to be still. The birds are singing. The cats are playing outside my window. The dogs are chasing some unseen thing in the woods, and the chickens are scratching for goodies in a pile of weeds I pulled from the herb garden yesterday.

I sit. I read a little. I watch, and I listen. It is a morning made for this. A morning where being still and feeling at peace comes easily. 

The day has just begun. The boys are off to school. The girls are just beginning to stir, and part of me thinks I should get moving with my day. Maybe start a load of a laundry at the very least. But I think I am just going to sit here a little while longer and relish this quiet stillness while enjoying this beautiful morning. 

Saturday, March 05, 2016

The Baby is Ten

None of my babies are babies anymore. They haven't been for sometime, I guess, but it is official today. My baby is ten, double digits, a decade old. How can it be? Weren't these pictures just from yesterday?

 So much has changed in these ten years, but Vivian stays true to her name. She is full of life, and full of love. She keeps us all on our toes. Happy birthday my sweet girl.

With her friends Hannah and Aleeya.