But I still miss us. I wake up many mornings with Tim on my mind. I wish I woke with happy memories, but my mind seems stuck on those last few days. It almost makes me angry. Over twenty years of memories to pull from, but I can't get the worst of our days from the forefront of my thoughts.
Looking back I realize how much denial we were in those last few weeks. I wish we had realized the point we were at much sooner.
I look back on those last days and true to my personality, I was busy taking care of the practical and neglected the things of the heart, Tim's heart, my heart, and the kids. Though I know there is no sense dwelling on any of that, my mind goes there unbidden. It is almost like I dream about it before I wake.
Our life in the last year has changed dramatically, yet in many ways things don't change. Moving to a new place with old friends has been an incredible blessing. I am so thankful for our new home and fellowship. You may remember I did a lot of second guessing about the move. I can say I have no regrets about the move. It has been good for all of us.
There is still laughter. Kids still bicker. We have fun times. Sometimes things are difficult and frustrating. This life moves on, and keeps changing but as a family it seems to move on off balance, sometimes slightly, other times grossly so. I think we will always feel off balance without Tim.
We have learned to function as a family of five. We are pretty good at the practical things, but I worry that we aren't very good at heart matters. I wonder if I should do more for the kids there, but don't even know how to.
A year later, the grief is less acute. At times it hits me like a wall, but mostly it is just a constant undercurrent to our lives. That undercurrent is what pulls us off balance.
A year without Tim. . .
Oh Stephanie, my eyes filled with tears as I read this. Perhaps you were meant to be your practical self those last weeks with Tim. When those unbidden regrets appear, ask God to sort them out for you. Unburden your heart to the One who says to cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself. You've experienced such heartrending losses so close together. Your faith has been a testimony.
May our heavenly Father bless you abundantly and give you comfort.
With many prayers,
Susan