Meeting Martha and having her here for a few days was an incredible experience. She just fit in the family. She is one of us. She said it best when she said she felt like she was just coming home for a visit from college and the family had moved. She knew the people and felt at home with them, but just had to get to know the new house. Many have commented on how much we look alike, but it goes beyond that. I think Martha and I think a lot alike. It was very comfortable. It was amazing.I never really thought about how things would be after we met. I did think about things like how often would see each other, would she join us for the holidays and things like that, but I never thought about how I would feel. It has been over a week now since she left, and I am surprised at some of the emotions there now that the initial thrill and bustle of activity are done.
I think I expected meeting her to bring more closure to the situation. Certainly in some ways there is closure. There is no more wondering if she had anger toward me about the adoption. Knowing that she had a childhood filled with love and a solid upbringing, silences any nagging doubts. The surprise is the nagging ache still in my heart.
Yes, there is happiness that she is part of our family now. Yes, there is reassurance because she had a happy childhood, but the ache of loss still remains. Martha is an adult. She calls me mom, but those precious years of her childhood belong to her other mom. She has a whole life that I am not a part of. This sounds ridiculous as I type it, but it is what I'm feeling.
I guess in some ways this must be what feels like when the child you raised leaves home, and you are no longer a part of their everyday. I never had those everydays with Martha and I think that is what I am now mourning.
I didn't see this coming. I'm not exactly sure what to do with the feeling of loss except to give it to the Lord, again, be thankful that those days of Martha's childhood were spent with a mother who cherishes them, cherish the everydays I have with my other children, and look forward to the days I do have with Martha.
You rock. Do you know that? That's all, I just wanted to tell you that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending hugs your way and I know that God is watching over you.
ReplyDeleteI think it is a process that you will have to go through, and letting God be a part of it is going to be a great blessing.
ReplyDeleteI think I understand the ache you feel, but can't imagine knowing it. Do know you are not alone though.
Very moving post. Thats the thing about our feelings-we have no control over them. I agree with one of the other commenters this is another part of the process.
ReplyDeleteIt's not ridiculous. It's totally understandable. But as you make new memories and get more and more together time with her, some of that will mellow.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet lady, these feelings sound so normal and understandable. I am so glad you had the opportunity to meet your beautiful daughter and I pray that your relationship will grow and strengthen over the years.
ReplyDeleteKate
What a wonderful thing, to have the rest of your lives to continue to develop and nourish a relationship! Thanks for sharing, Stephanie.
ReplyDeleteI'd feel the same. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. The blessings you've shared are a testament to what God's love can do for all of us.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story! I don't think your feelings are silly at all. There is inherent grief and sadness in the adoption process. There is joy too but I think it is important to acknoweldge and work through the grief as well. Your whole family is lovely!
ReplyDeleteJennifer