Stand and Wait

I am concerned that we have come to Christ, to show that Christ in heaven is our Life, Christ in heaven is our All, and appointed to be so by God, and nothing here can take the place of Christ. God will bring everything to an end that takes the place of Christ. He has determined from eternity that in all things Christ should have the preeminence, and have the fullness, and that nothing shall glory before Him or take His place. The Lord bring us into a larger measure of Christ, and a larger measure of Christ into us. -T. Austin Sparks

 O how safe, how quiet is that state, where the soul stands in pure obedience to the voice of Christ, and a watchful care is maintained, not to follow the voice of the stranger! Here, Christ is felt to be our Shepherd; and under his leading people are brought to a stability; and where he does not lead forward, we are bound in the bonds of pure love, to stand still and wait upon him. - J. Woolman

These two excerpts came in daily emails I receive. Perhaps on the surface they seem unrelated, but in my heart and combined with conversation at group last night about bringing all our relationships, all our thoughts about ourselves and others to the light and allowing Him prune and sanctify these things they go hand in hand.

I've been shaken. I've had many difficult circumstances in my life, but none compare to the loss of Tim. In this shaking many things have come to the surface. Old hurts, old insecurities, and lacks which I thought I was past have once again risen to the surface. I realize now Tim and our life was the balm that soothed them. It was the place I found my life. The loss of Tim leaves a huge gaping hole and room for these things to show their ugly faces again.

The past year and a half has been very much about filling empty spaces and figuring out who I am without Tim. My head knows the right answer is Christ should fill those empty space. He will heal and cover the old wounds and the new. He should be larger. I should stay small and get smaller. But my heart is impatient. It reaches for things that can't satisfy. I try to fill those empty places with things that let me ignore the hurts for a moment, and think I know how to fix me and my life. I don't.

I have had moments of great peace, love, rest and hope. The Lord has been so good to me through this process, but there are also times of wilderness. In these times the loneliness is unbearable and I feel unable to "stand still and wait upon him," and my heart wanders to my version of golden calves and idols.

In this last week or so I've been feeling like the conversations from group, like the T. Austin Sparks quote, that all must be found in Christ. It isn't just about the bad things or the distractions, though I certainly struggle with those.  It really is about all things, even those we would call good here on earth. I need a very loose grip (or none at all) on those things to let Him show me them in His light, to allow things to happen (or not) in His timing and to be content regardless. I need to know that last orders are standing orders and when I don't know what to do or where to turn the only thing is to "stand still and wait upon him."