Stand and Wait

I am concerned that we have come to Christ, to show that Christ in heaven is our Life, Christ in heaven is our All, and appointed to be so by God, and nothing here can take the place of Christ. God will bring everything to an end that takes the place of Christ. He has determined from eternity that in all things Christ should have the preeminence, and have the fullness, and that nothing shall glory before Him or take His place. The Lord bring us into a larger measure of Christ, and a larger measure of Christ into us. -T. Austin Sparks

 O how safe, how quiet is that state, where the soul stands in pure obedience to the voice of Christ, and a watchful care is maintained, not to follow the voice of the stranger! Here, Christ is felt to be our Shepherd; and under his leading people are brought to a stability; and where he does not lead forward, we are bound in the bonds of pure love, to stand still and wait upon him. - J. Woolman

These two excerpts came in daily emails I receive. Perhaps on the surface they seem unrelated, but in my heart and combined with conversation at group last night about bringing all our relationships, all our thoughts about ourselves and others to the light and allowing Him prune and sanctify these things they go hand in hand.

I've been shaken. I've had many difficult circumstances in my life, but none compare to the loss of Tim. In this shaking many things have come to the surface. Old hurts, old insecurities, and lacks which I thought I was past have once again risen to the surface. I realize now Tim and our life was the balm that soothed them. It was the place I found my life. The loss of Tim leaves a huge gaping hole and room for these things to show their ugly faces again.

The past year and a half has been very much about filling empty spaces and figuring out who I am without Tim. My head knows the right answer is Christ should fill those empty space. He will heal and cover the old wounds and the new. He should be larger. I should stay small and get smaller. But my heart is impatient. It reaches for things that can't satisfy. I try to fill those empty places with things that let me ignore the hurts for a moment, and think I know how to fix me and my life. I don't.

I have had moments of great peace, love, rest and hope. The Lord has been so good to me through this process, but there are also times of wilderness. In these times the loneliness is unbearable and I feel unable to "stand still and wait upon him," and my heart wanders to my version of golden calves and idols.

In this last week or so I've been feeling like the conversations from group, like the T. Austin Sparks quote, that all must be found in Christ. It isn't just about the bad things or the distractions, though I certainly struggle with those.  It really is about all things, even those we would call good here on earth. I need a very loose grip (or none at all) on those things to let Him show me them in His light, to allow things to happen (or not) in His timing and to be content regardless. I need to know that last orders are standing orders and when I don't know what to do or where to turn the only thing is to "stand still and wait upon him."

Loneliness

11/12/2016

"Loneliness is home sickness for God."

This phrase was in a devotional I read the other day and so sums up how I've been feeling. I miss Tim so much. The over riding feeling I'm left with is loneliness.

My heart cries out for that intimate relationship of the only person who knew me so well. I miss my partner.

I wonder now if I found and loved too much of my life with him instead of in the Lord.

Regardless, he isn't here now, and the Lord is all I have to turn to and all I should want. Expecting to find that in people, be it friends here now or through reaching out digitally is fruitless. It doesn't satisfy. Only He can. I must turn to Him constantly, but especially when those feelings of loneliness creep in.

The Break

It has been a long time since I've written here. . .

I have tried to write here a few times, but every time I just couldn't make the words go together. I have actually written a few times on paper for reasons I will explain shortly. In the past week I've felt the desire to write again, but also the thought that I could write here, even if I don't share all of the things I write. This blog has been my journal of sorts for awhile. It just seems logical to keep it all here, even if it isn't always public.

October 31, 2016

For the first time in decades, I am turning to a paper journal. In those first months after Tim passed I used my blog to sort through the thoughts and emotions of that time. I truly feel it was helpful to me then, but as the months passed that writing and most social media has become a sad attempt at filling the empty space that simply can't be filled by any other person. I felt I was to set that aside about a month ago, and I tried.

I tried to look for the loop hole, and started a new blog, less personal, for a "job", a monetized blog about homesteading. That be something for me later, but now it is too much about looking for the approval of men and it sucked me right back into social media under the guise of "working."

Yeah right.

There may be a time and place for all that, but I know right now those things are just me seeking love, approval, and comfort. It is so incredibly lonely without Tim. Turing to others in not satisfying. I need to turn to the Lord.

In group tonight there was a lot of talking about turning to Him and just standing there, staying in His light. When we to turn to "things," "busyness," that is when we most just need to be still. Writing helps me sort it out. This writing is between my and the Lord.