Monday, September 14, 2015

Crazy Thoughts

Two friends recently posted on Facebook how their grief just makes them want to run away. It is a feeling I share. I have a great urge to just take off. It doesn't matter where. I just want to go, but what would I be running from or to? The emptiness would still be there. The grief would follow me.

It isn't Tim's things, our home, or the things we shared here that make me sad. It is the lack of intimacy. I think of myself as a fairly independent person, but I now have begun to realize how greatly I depended on Tim. He was there when I didn't even realize I needed him. He understood how I ticked. Our personalities were vastly different, but he balanced me.Without him there is a huge gaping hole.

I also am beginning to see the wisdom behind the advice of not making any major decisions for the first year after a life changing event. That advice was first given to me in regard to a birth of child. Considering hormonal changes and sleep deprivation, that surely is wise advice. Yet, I think it is so much more important now.  With a new child there was always joy about the situation at some level. Never with a birth of a child, have I had such crazy thoughts or roller coaster emotions.

 I think about trivial things like cutting all my hair off.  I think about taking long vacations. I think about moving, somewhere, anywhere. Taking a job in a remote Scottish village is actually pretty appealing. I have found my thoughts return to unhealthy behaviors and patterns that haven't been a part of my life for decades. I find myself glad for having all the kids at home. They keep me grounded. And I realize that all these crazy ideas running through my head, all these up and down crazy emotions I feel daily, are all just an attempt to fill the emptiness. None of them will satisfy the ache within.

And I try to remember to turn my heart to the Lord and to rest in Him, and ask that my heart would see what my head knows is true.

Psalms 16:11 You will show me the path of life: In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Isaiah 40:5-8 The glory of the LORD shall be revealed, And all flesh shall see it together; For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." The voice said, "Cry out!" And he said, "What shall I cry?" "All flesh is grass, And all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, Because the breath of the LORD blows upon it; Surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fade, But the word of our God stands forever."

Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I don't think this ache will ever go away completely, but I pray that I would be obedient to turn to Him, and that my foolish thoughts would be replaced with His light and peace.


  1. Thanks for sharing this with us, Steph. I didn't know these were part of the grieving process.
    I used to pray this over ourselves when circumstances seemed overwhelming:
    2 Timothy 1:7 New King James Version (NKJV)
    Aunt Nancy

    7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

  2. The Lord gives us grace and power to live in His light and be obedient by moment. We don't have to summon up all the strength and power to be obedient forever, but we can follow Him now, in this minute, because He always makes that possible. I love those verses you shared.

  3. Julie Costolo9/29/15, 11:05 PM

    I have been reading your blog for years but had to tell you how much I appreciate how transparent you are. My mom passed away unexpectedly last month and I have never experienced grief like this. My grief is very different from what you are experiencing...obviously...but the way I grieve and think has been very similar to what you have been sharing. Hard to describe so I usually give the standard "I'm okay" answer too. Thank you for being real. You are an encouragement to me.

    1. Thank you Julie. I am sorry about the loss of your mom.