Awkward Moments with a 9 Year Old

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Vivian means full of life. In this case, Vivian should also mean full of questions. She always is thinking ahead. She always needs the plan. I get it. She is a shaper. So am I. We think a lot alike, but the problem is at nine, her planning priorities and mine aren't always the same. She doesn't see all the little things that need figured out before we can get to the big plan, and she has no filter about what she says. If she has a question about it, it will get asked.

The day after Tim died (it may have even begun that night) she started peppering me with a million and one questions about how things would work, what we would do, and the like. I finally had to tell her (repeatably) that I couldn't think about or answer any of those questions until after the funeral. We had to get through that first.

Since then, she still has had questions, though I don't feel bombarded with them any more. Maybe because I can think more clearly now. Maybe because some of the things she had questions about are getting answered just in the daily living of our lives. The other day in the car, however, she threw me a doozy.

"Mom, are you going to get remarried?"

Talk about not ready to think about that, let alone discuss it with my children! Talk about jumping ahead in the plan. I didn't know what to say. In fact, I am not sure what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of it being too early to think about that.

Then she says, "If you do, I won't like him."

Um, where do I go from here with this conversation? The resulting conversation was actually pretty sweet. It took a bit of talking through and clarification, but what she was trying to say was she didn't want a step dad that was like Tim. She would want someone with a completely different personality type because she wants to keep Tim's memory separate and special. She loves her daddy and doesn't want anyone to take his place.

No one ever could baby. They never could. . .

The Funny Little Things

In the middle of grief none of the things we do quite seem right. Everything has a little cloud of gloom hanging over it. We get through our days by making ourselves do what needs done. We try to distract ourselves with fun (and uncharacteristic) things like a new inside kitten, or a trip to D.C. for a long school weekend. We think we are doing ok, but then something little or funny brings the pain back to the surface.

Today I spent my morning writing thank you notes. This is a task that you might think would be painful since it involved rereading a lot of cards and sweet sentiments about Tim from people we've known (and some I don't even know) throughout our life and marriage.  I'll admit to it being slightly overwhelming. There is a lot of people to thank, and appreciation to show, and I don't have the words to express it well. The task was not at all painful, though.

Later in the day the girls and I ran some errands. One was to a farm customer, Butter it Up. They serve breakfast and lunch. They just added a new breakfast sandwich, The Tim, which features our products. For some reason that got me all choked up. I had to spend a few minutes in the bathroom composing myself before the girls and I could get lunch.

The rest of the day went like that. Small things hit me hard. The empty chair at the dinner table bothered me even though it didn't just yesterday. Tim's shoes were at the door. Kellen wore them. They wear the same size. I saw Tim "liked" a Facebook photo album of a friend that popped up in my feed again for some reason this evening.

His phone keeps popping up "I love Stephanie Appleton." Tonight I finally figured out why. He had set an event on his calendar, "I love Stephanie Appleton" back on July 22. The event was set for all day everyday, and to send a reminder.  That is why it was constantly on the display every time I picked it up. And that is what fully opened the flood gates that cracked this afternoon at Butter it Up.

So that is why I am sitting here crying even as the new kitten tries to love on me. Even when she walks on my keyboard as I try to type. Even as I am texting with a dear friend checking up on me,  I'm ok. It is just those funny little things tugging at my heart today.

Fading Flowers

The flowers from the funeral are fading. The focus on the services, the constant stream of beautiful stories about Tim in my Facebook feed, and the visiting family are gone. The dust is settling, and I find myself glad for some time alone, but at the same time lonely.

You, my friends and family, have been great. You've done what you can do. You've called me. You've messaged me, and I know I haven't responded. Know that I do appreciate your love and concern, but I don't have an answer for the question, "How are you?" I don't have it in me to respond with more than, "Ok." Really, I'm grieving. It hurts, a lot, but I'm ok. There is nothing to make this better. I miss my best friend.

There is no fix for this save time, and even that won't ever completely heal this hurt.  The kids and I have gone places, and had fun with friends, but it seems a bit hollow right now. At home we go about our basic daily routine, but it isn't the same.  The motivation to do anything beyond the basics isn't there, and we are all content to sit and pass our time with Netflix and Facebook. There is a huge hole in our family, and we all feel it.

Tim was my best friend for 21 years. It is so odd to not have someone to bounce my thoughts off of, to have someone to vent my frustrations to, to dream with. Bedtime is the hardest time.
For 20 years, Tim and I almost always went to bed at the same time. That time was our talking time. It was the time we would rehash the day, discuss the next day, and share our hearts with one another. I miss that so much.

And then there is the mommy guilt. Why do we do this to ourselves? Despite knowing that I am doing what I can, that I can't fix this for them either, and that they need time just like I do, it is so hard not to feel like I'm failing them, like I'm not there enough for them, like we should be doing something more than Netflix and Facebook, and like I lean on them too much.

So, we are ok. This grieving process really sucks. It hurts, a lot. I wish it would go away. I wish we all didn't have to feel like this. But I know it hurts this much because we had a really good thing, even if it was all too short. We had what so many families don't. I cherish that, even if it hurts right now. We have amazing friends and family. We have each other. We have an ever faithful Lord and life abundant in Him. We are ok. We will be better.

The Farm and The Future

Many people have asked me, have asked my mom, "Will you keep the farm?" The truth is we can't answer that question. Truth is I'm not sure exactly what that question means. The farm is a business and the farm is also a home. Wise advice has been given to me over the years at different points in life. That advice is to wait a year to make any big decisions after a life changing event. That is advice I am taking to heart at this time.


Changes were already in the works for the farm as a business, before Tim died. Even though we downsized after Dad was gone, we have been struggling for the last five years to keep up with the farm. After Tim became unable to walk, we knew it was time to make some more changes.

Knowing the road Tim was on, knowing that Kellen will likely be leaving in a year, we made plans to bring the farm back down to a more manageable level. We only raised one batch of meat chickens, and didn't order any more. We sold our boar and all the piglets we had and expected, except the ones we are saving for the kids' ham, bacon, and egg projects. We decided in order to pay off some farm debt, we needed to sell the rest of the hogs as meat cuts. The plan was to have all the hogs gone by winter.We planned to keep the current number of hens as long as we have pork to sell. We planned to keep the rabbits. This is all still the plan.

So what does that all mean? Our farm products will be available (except for chicken) like normal through the winter I expect. We will probably have sausage and eggs longer than that. We will probably add some rabbit because the processing laws on rabbits have finally changed. After that, I am not sure. The only thing I can say is that if the farm as a business continues, our products will be different.

This is our home. Though right now it seems to hold a lot of broken dreams, it also holds a lot of precious memories, not to mention the blood, sweat, and tears of this family. Can we keep up with this property? It will be a challenge.  We have a lot to do just to get the property back into shape. There are messes that need cleaned up. There are projects that either need finished or abandoned. And for those that have been asking to help, yes we plan to have some work days as soon as we can get things on our end organized.

I can't imagine us living anywhere else though. There are still dreams I'd love to see through here. I still love the lifestyle of raising food, children, and animals in the woods. I can't imagine having neighbors. I adore the peace and quiet of our woods, and still long for the simplicity of the life here we seemed to have set aside somewhere in this 10 year journey.

Are we staying? Ask me in a year. In the meantime, I will be taking it one day at a time waiting to see what the next step holds.

My Sweet Vivian

The service for Tim included a time of sharing. When Vivian heard this she declared that she would like to share. I had my doubts. I was Vivian's teacher last year at Cross Lanes Christian School. In the spring, students gave weekly book reports. Some students have a natural flare for getting up in front of people to speak. Vivian did not.

Every week we would write her report, and practice it at home. She did well at home, but when called upon to speak in front of the class, she struggled. She was nervous. She couldn't hold still, and tripped up repeatedly on her words.

So when she asked to speak at the funeral, I thought it would never happen. I didn't tell her no. I told her to write out what she wanted to say thinking she would see the crowd and decide she didn't want to speak. She would then have what she wrote as a keepsake.

She wrote a rough draft, made some corrections, and rewrote the whole thing. The morning of the funeral she forgot the paper at home. When we realized that we were already at the funeral home. I tried to encourage her that it was ok. She would still have the paper at home, and it was ok if she didn't speak at the funeral. I thought it would save her the stress of deciding if she could get up in front of the crowd (which I was pretty convinced she wouldn't want to do.) Grandma Gail saw the situation differently.

She said to Vivian, "Well we have an hour. Let's find you a pen and paper, and you can write it again." That is exactly what they did.

When the time for sharing came, Vivian was not hesitant. She didn't even seem nervous. In fact, she was chomping at the bit. We had asked Uncle Jake to help her when she went up. She kept looking back to him like, "C'mon!" Finally there was a pause in the testimonies, and she made a beeline to the front. She didn't even wait for Jake. I'm not sure he was even out of his seat.

Then my baby girl, who couldn't speak in front of her class of 14, got up on a bench so she could reach the microphone, with her Uncle behind her for moral support,  and spoke about her dad to well over 100 people.

My dad was a good man. He was nice. He was generous, and he was kind. He was happy. He was loving, and he was awesome! I love him, and my family loved him. Even though he was very sick, he was happy. Even though he was in the hospital, he acted normal. He was always peaceful. He was always fun! He always had a list of work to do. He made my family so happy! He loved music. He loved the farm. He loved all of his family. When the family was scared, he said, "It will be alright." When times were rough, he said, "It will be all right." He had a great school to teach at. He loved the school, and the school loved him. He was an amazing dad! 

The Next Step

In my high school and college years I was a little wild, a little rebellious. Life had taught me men were users. They couldn't be trusted.

When my big post graduate plans fell through, I returned to my parents home a little lost, a little broken. In my absence my parents had become youth pastors. There were lots of kids at the house all the time, but one boy in particular was there a lot. He was very close to my parents.

He was sweet and funny, and soon it was obvious he had a crush on me. "How cute," I thought. I also thought, " I hope I meet someone like him someday." You know someone older and a little more experienced with life.

We became great friends over that summer. By fall, our relationship had taken a romantic turn. By spring, we knew we wanted to spend forever together. We were married the next winter. I can't believe our forever was so short.

Our 20 years together were not perfect. As with any marriage, we had our stressful times, and times of frustration with each other. Never in any of those times did I ever doubt Tim's love for me, our family, or the Lord. Never did I doubt his genuine concern for what was best for us. We could always tackle things together as a team. We fought side by side.

He worked hard. He saw the good in everyone and every situation. He could make me laugh even when I didn't want to. He brought out the best in me. He brought strength to my weaknesses, and loved me unconditionally.

He was an wonderful example to our children, and had an amazing way of being their buddy while still maintaining his parental role. His goal always to point them toward Christ, and toward adulthood.

There are so many stories and  memories. We were a team, and I feel woefully inadequate to complete the dreams and jobs that we began together.

Friday morning, as I was writing this, and at this point of inadequacy, I was feeling rather hopeless. A devotional came across my Facebook feed. The verse was Philippians 3:13-14 "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on." The devotional included this quote, "He will show us our next step, and that is all we have to be concerned about now."

We mourn our loss. We remember our precious times with Tim, and we wait for the Lord to show us our next step.

Tim

I have neglected this blog. The demands of working, farming, and parenting caused me to set this aside for a season. It is time to bring the blog back. Writing for me is therapeutic, and I need a little therapy right now.

As most of you who will read this know, despite all we did with alternative and traditional treatments, and all the prayers, Tim passed away August 4th.  Below is his obituary:

Timothy James Appleton, 39, of Ona, WV, passed away on Tuesday, August 4, 2015 at the Emogene Dolin Jones Hospice House, Huntington. Tim will be remembered for his bright smile, optimistic words, humor, helping hands, and listening ears. He was your friend, even if you had just met. In the face of cancer he had peace and hope, and was quick to quote Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." He was a musician, educator, farmer, and loving father and husband who touched peoples hearts and lives wherever he was, whatever he was doing. Funeral services will be conducted at 11 a.m. Saturday, August 8, 2015 at the Wallace Funeral Home & Chapel, Barboursville with Jason Henderson officiating. He was born April 21, 1976, in Wooster, Ohio, a son of Jim Appleton (Dinah) and Mary Gail Hanna (Jeff). He was preceded in death by his father-in-law, Paul Miller. In addition to his parents, he is survived by his wife Stephanie Appleton; two daughters, Lydia and Vivian Appleton; two sons, Kellen and Nolan Appleton; four brothers, David Mitchell Appleton, Kent Hanna (Kerri), Josh Appleton (Jennifer), and Scott Appleton; grandmother, Norma Hanna; mother-in-law, Linda Miller; and many uncles, aunts, and cousins. Visitation will be from 5 to 7 p.m. Friday at the Wallace Funeral Home, Barboursville. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Wild Ramp or to Cross Lanes Christian School. Online condolences may be expressed to the family at www.timeformemory.com/wallace.

Hills and Valleys

I found this draft, begun in April, just today in August. I never did finish it, but am publishing it now just to keep the story together. 

Tim's battle with melanoma has been an emotional up and down since the first diagnosis for years ago. After that first surgery, and a tough year of treatment we hoped it was over. But the ride doesn't stop. The hills and valleys just seem to get closer together.

Stage 4. It is hard to say without tears coming. No cure. It is a harsh reality. For six months the medicines, vitamin C and supplements Tim takes were doing the job. He felt better. He looked better, and his three month scan looked great. The last few weeks though, he has been tired. It is easy to blame spring busyness, but last week's scan showed there was more to it. The first spots of cancer look about the same, but new spots are popping up.

It isn't a surprise. That is how we were told this would work at this stage. You find something that works, but it only works for so long, and then you try something new. Surprise or not, it is still hard news to hear.

It is hard to find the balance in the daily responsibilities of this life like laundry and bills, and the truly meaningful. It is all the more

No Explanation

There are some things in life that just don't make sense. Try as you might, there is no explanation. Consider these chickens.

They are out enjoying the spring weather, scratching around, looking for greens, grains, bugs, and other chicken delights. Makes sense. That is what you expect from chickens.

What you may not be able to see in the photo is that they are scratching up a pile of "stuff" that was just shoveled out of the chicken house. 

We use the deep litter method which essentially means we add bedding material (mostly shredded paper in our case) to the house floor. So there are layers of bedding, manure, and feed waste that piles up for awhile until we need to clean out the chicken house to fertilize the garden or the litter has simply just become too deep. 

Today Kellen cleaned out part of the chicken house to prepare for chicks. So  this litter has literally been sitting in the hen house for the entire winter. The hens have been content to walk on it and poop on it, but I have never seen them scratch through it in the hen house. 

But shovel it into a bucket, and pile it near the garden, and suddenly it is a hot spot of hen scratching activity! There is no explanation. 

And just because we all need a little cute in our day, I give you baby rabbits. 

A Beautiful Day

We woke up this morning to beautiful blue skies and sunshine. It really was gorgeous outside. As many in the area commented, it was like a scene from Narnia. 

These pictures were taken with my phone and haven't been edited. The sky really was that blue. 

Sadly this beauty has also been brutal. Many are still without power, and the melting snows from a few weeks ago, and heavy rains before this snow, have caused widespread flooding. I hate to see what may happen when all this snow melts this weekend. I am afraid the messes have just begun. 

I love these snow days with the whole family home. We worked puzzles, played checkers, completed homework, and relaxed. This morning I worked on one of my favorite snow day activities.

The 2015 garden is officially started. It felt good to have my fingers in the dirt again, to browse through the seeds, and imagine the taste of those summer vegetables. There is something deeply satisfying about beginning that process in defiance of winter. Who cares that there is a foot of snow on the ground? I'm going to grow something. Take that winter!

Clicks spring forward this weekend. Spring is coming. I can't wait!

Birthday Snow

Today is Vivian's ninth birthday. Today we are also looking at the most snow we have seen since living here. Over a foot fell over night and it is still coming down. 

Happy Birthday Vivian! No school!

We also woke to no power. Tim said it went out around 2:30 AM. We haven't found a restoration estimate, but others near us have heard 3:00 PM. 

This morning we ventured out to check on animals, clear paths, and pull out the "no electric" supplies. 

Tim got the generator running. It doesn't run the house, but it is enough for the important things like the refrigerator, a crockpot, and the blower on the wood burner. (And those other important things like the coffee pot, the wifi, and the phone charger.)

Vivian was able to celebrate her birthday a little last weekend. She and Mamaw had a girls' day out. Viv got her nails done. 

The next day, she got her ears pierced. 

Our baby is growing up so quickly. If the weather clears she will have a couple friends over this weekend.

For today, we are sitting near the wood burner cuddled up doing homework, reading, and watching the snow fall. We may bundle up and go out and play before the predicted bitter cold comes. At the least we'll be going out to tend animals. 

It looks like we may have a couple days like this. I don't mind the quiet days at home. They'd be nicer with electric, but it could be worse. 

Quiet Winter Days

A three day weekend has turned into a five day weekend that likely will become a week long break from school. This winter storm has dumped over 8" of snow, and is bringing bitter cold temperatures with it. In many areas of the country this might be an average winter storm, but here it is enough to shut things down for a while.

Normally, I am the first to complain about snow and cold, but right now I am thankful for it and the days off school it has brought. Life in the last months has not been what I planned. It is not what I wanted. Tim is home. The kids and I are going to school each day. This, in fact, is the opposite of what I envisioned our life to be. I'm not bitter about it. In many ways, considering all the circumstances, we couldn't be in a better position. I am grateful, yet sometimes it is hard to not throw myself a pity party about all the things that aren't the way I want them, about all the plans and dreams that have taken detours, and about the big changes we made in our life only to be thrown an even bigger curve ball.

But this extended weekend, life is just as it should be. The entire family is home. There is a warm fire and good food cooking in the kitchen. We've gotten things done, including some pesky nagging projects that have been long neglected. We've worked on puzzles, played games, read books, watched movies, gone to bed late, and slept in until we've felt like getting up. We've worked together to care for animals, keep the house in decent shape, create delicious meals from things we've grown ourselves, and clean up afterward, Yes, this is what I envisioned ten years ago when we began this homesteading and homeschooling adventure.

These days won't last forever. The kids and I will soon enough return to school and our hectic daily schedule. Tim will still be home, and nothing in our situation will have changed. But today (and hopefully tomorrow and the next day) I am going sit here by the fire with my family watching the snow and enjoying this time together. Life may not be as we planned, but we are going to enjoy it anyway.

Fermenting Phase

Up until this year my experience with fermenting was limited to making vinegar. I regularly make apple cider vinegar from our apple scraps, and once many years ago, when I had more blackberries than I knew what to do with I made blackberry vinegar.

I'm not sure when, but I'd guess a couple years ago at least, fermented vegetable posts started popping up on blogs I read, Facebook, and Pinterest. I would skim them, and I really wanted to try old fashioned sauerkraut, but that idea was put up on the "someday shelf." I've done quite a bit of pickling with vinegar before, and I guess I really never was motivated to change my ways.

With our recent and ongoing health concerns, we have looked closely at making our diet healthier. Before I would have said we ate pretty healthy. We probably did compared to the average American diet. We mostly ate what we grew. We grow our food without chemicals in what I consider a very healthy way. There were things about our diet we didn't consider the effects of enough, like sugar, and things we really didn't consider at all like alkalinity and probiotics. We are still learning in these areas.

On one of our recent medical trips, I picked up a bottle of kombucha. If you don't know, kombucha is fermented green tea. The first taste was not what I expected. It is tart and fizzy without the sweet. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tim posted something about it on Facebook, and a friend offered us a scoby (starter.) We took one, and made our own kombucha. Then we started reading about how good it is for you. We have been fermenting green tea since. The biggest challenge is keeping enough for all of us. I just split my scoby again, and currently have 4 gallons fermenting on the counter.

It wasn't long before I was pinning other fermented drinks and fermented vegetables too. When the garden started to produce, vegetable fermenting began. Currently beets and hot peppers are fermenting, and cucumbers will be started today. I tasted the beets today. They aren't quite done, they still taste a bit salty, but I love the flavor already. Besides the flavor and the health benefits, I love that fermenting is an easy way to preserve. It can be done in small batches which is perfect for those times that the garden is producing more than you can eat, but not quite enough to run a canner for.

This may be just a phase, or maybe not. It is fun trying new ways to do things though. Especially when they are tasty and healthy. Maybe this fall I'll finally give sauerkraut a try too.

Pigs of all Sizes

In my last post, I mentioned that we have had a steady flow of pigs here on the farm this summer. Meet our newest additions. They are less than 24 hours old here. They were born to Blackie , a first timer, who is about a year old. 

One day old.

You may notice our pig names have become less than creative. Our two newest sows, Blackie here, and her sister Pinkie were named because one had a black nose and one had a pink nose. Kellen suggested we name them Keith and George. I think we need to put one of the other kids in charge of naming the pigs.

If we have two litters that are close together we will let the mommas and the babies interact freely. In this group, there are piglets from two litters. One is about a week old. The other is about two weeks old. 

One and two weeks old.

These little muddy cuties are just about two months old. They are still with momma, but are about ready to be weaned. They can already pound the feed. 

Two months old.

These two are about 4 months old. They are actually a little smaller than they could be. We've been letting them grow slowly on pasture and limited grain to time them right for our needs this year. Standing beside them is the momma of the two month old piglets. She is two years old.

Four months old.

Pigs are amazing. Birth to about 250 lbs (slaughter weight) can happen in a mere 6 months for a pig on full feed. Our pigs on pasture do grow a little slower, but even after raising them all these years, I still can't believe how quickly a pig will grow.

Well Lookie There

It is July. How is it already July?

I really thought I would blog regularly this summer. I miss blogging. Writing for me is a way to document this adventure here in the 100 Acre Woods, but it can be therapeutic to put my thoughts down in words. We knew the summer would fly by, but I feel like after a month we've just found our summer groove.

The month of June was very busy. We had a couple trips to North Carolina. Tim's surgery was fine. The pathology report was not what we hoped. They found several pockets of of cancer cells in the removed tissue. The lower part of the tissue appeared to have been cut through a pocket of cancerous cells which suggests that there was still cells left after the removal.

The only chemo therapy approved for Tim's stage is the interferon that he took the first time around. It is not a treatment you repeat. (Not that we'd want to repeat that anyway.) The doctors at Duke recommended radiation, but have said even with radiation it is probable the cancer will return. We have declined this treatment, and Tim has begun an alternative treatment called Protocel. Now we pray, hope, and wait and see what happens.

Let's talk about happier things.

June was filled with camps. Lydia and Nolan had soccer camp.



Lydia, Nolan and Vivian spent a week at Tim's parents. The next week Lydia and Nolan went to 4-H camp. This week Vivian is going to Cloverbud camp. Kellen went to the  US Marine Corps Society of American Military Engineers Construction Camp. 
One of the projects they complete was a trebuchet.

We've been busy on the farm too. There is a steady flow of piglets being born, broilers to be processed, and eggs to be gathered. The gardens are coming along nicely. We do have less planted than previous years, but are still planting, mulching, and just beginning to eat some of the fruits of our labor. We are still waiting for goodies from many things. Below the girls are standing in front of our two elderberry bushes. These bushes are amazing to me. Kellen and I planted them just over a year ago by simply cutting branches off a wild bush and sticking them in the ground. The bushes and the flowers are HUGE!



Summer means market season. We stock our farm products all year at The Wild Ramp. In the summer, we are also at The Putnam Farmers Market. A few weeks ago Lydia, Nolan, and Vivian participated in Kids Chopped. I think Vivian's chocolate was a little soft.

It has been busy, and it has gone fast, but I am completely loving summer! It is so good to be home together to work on projects and to play. We are going to enjoy it while we can!

It ain't over

Just a quick update....

We thought Tim would have his surgery and be done. We thought he would be coming to Duke this week to get stitches out and for a routine follow up. 

The call came late last week that this occurrence  of melanoma was more serious than we thought. The pathology report on the removed tissue showed quite a bit of melanoma cells. Over the phone, chemo and radiation were mentioned. Today we meet with the surgeon, the medical oncologist and the radiation oncologist.

In our own research, the chemo drug suggested has lots of side effects with a less than stellar success rates. We haven't seen anything that has shown radiation to be effective for melanoma. We will see what the Drs. have to say this morning.

We are continuing to research alternative approaches. There are many out there that appear to have better sucess rates without the serious side effects.There are many decisions ahead of us. 

We have been blessed by the support we have received, in many forms, from our friends, family, church, and co-workers. This is a scary road to walk down. Your love and support has made it easier and taken some of the stress from us during this time. 

Thank you.

Give a Broody Hen a Job

Right now we keep about 100 laying hens. Their main job is to produce eggs, but they have other jobs too. Some of their other jobs include eating bugs and scraps.

We raise chickens for meat in batches of 100. They have one obvious purpose. Getting them to that purpose can sometimes be challenging. When they first arrive on the farm there are challenges with keeping them at the right temperature, with pasty bottoms that need cleaned, and other issues. As they get older, the main issue becomes predators. Our LGD, Stella, has greatly helped keep the fox and raccoon away, but hawk have been a problem the last couple of years also.

Every now and then a few hens will go broody. This is their natural instinct to sit on their nest and hatch eggs. I love when our hens hatch out their own chicks, but we've never had success with hens sitting in the chicken house. The only successful broody hens we've had have always made their nests somewhere hidden outside. So, when a hen is broody in the hen house we try to discourage her by removing the eggs under her daily. They will come out of their broodiness, but while they are broody they are not producing eggs, or going outside to eat bugs. They just sit in their boxes.

Last year we had a hen go broody while we had 100 meat chicks in a brooder box that was in the hen house. She could not get in the pen with the chicks, but she could see them and was determined to be their momma. She would sit next to them clucking to them through the fence. She kept a watchful eye on them. When they were large enough to go outside, we moved them to a different pen for finishing on pasture. That momma hen found her 100 babies. This time she was among them, and able to mother them in a whole new way. One day Kellen was feeding the meat birds, and witnessed momma raising a ruckus and defending her babies. She was chasing off a red tailed hawk.

Currently we have about 6 hens sitting broody in nest boxes in the hen house. On Tuesday, we got 100 new meat chicks. One of those broody hens got a new job. Her job is momma. It was very cute to watch her when we put her in with the chicks. She looked a little overwhelmed at first. Can you blame her? It didn't take long for her to start clucking and calling them. Of course she can't brood them all, but she tucks ten or so of them under her, and keeps a watchful eye on the rest who warm under the heat lamps.

Hen is happy and productive. Chicks are happy. Farmers are happy.

Round Two

The Drs. are calling Tim's second bout with melanoma a transient melanoma. This new lump was very near the original area, and the cancerous cells were likely there before at a microscopic level. The surgeon told us that often when there is a second occurrence the cancer has spread through the body. Thankfully, that is not the case for Tim. His PET scan and MRI are clear.

He had surgery last week to remove a larger area around the lump. That is it this time. They have no other treatments for this stage of melanoma except the interferon chemo he took last time. It is a treatment that is supposed to help boost your immune system against melanoma. Interferon helps some people, but not all. They told us that up front. Obviously, it didn't help Tim.

The surgeon was up front with us about this occurrence. We can hope that this is the last little bit of it, but there really is no way to know. Microscopic melanomas don't show up in the scans. We just wait and watch closely.

Yep, that is it. No treatments for this stage. They have new and exciting (sarcasm) treatments if the melanoma progresses to stage 4, but at this point it is just wait and see. Their only advice for prevention is to use sunscreen. No mention of diet or any other lifestyle changes that might help the body fight this. We can only wait and see if this happens again.

That's not good enough.

Our bodies are designed to heal themselves. They are designed to fight off disease. Why not cancer too?

I like our doctors. They are kind. They are doing what they think is best. What I don't like is that our medical profession only teaches doctors to cut and medicate. I can't believe that is the only choice. I can't believe there is nothing more we can do, but wait and see. So, we are reading. There are plenty of books out there, and there are doctors who take a more holistic approach (though they are rare in WV.)

On our trips back and forth to Duke we listened to Whole by T. Colin Campbell. The author was a research scientist for years when he found a link between animal proteins and cancer. He did a lot of studies on this connection and wrote another book, which we are reading too, called The China Study. He studied rural populations of China, with mostly plant based diets, and their incidences of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. In  Whole he gives evidence for why nutrition is so important, why eating a plant based diet is best, and looks at the reasons he believes the studies about nutrition and disease do not reach mainstream popularity. He doesn't hold any punches pointing fingers at politics, professional self interest, pharmacies, media, and more.


I read this book Defeat Cancer Now by Tamara St. John. She was never formally diagnosed with cancer. She had no medical insurance, and did not go to the doctor, but based on lumps, swollen lymph nodes, and other symptoms self diagnosed herself with breast cancer. Her book is about how she put into practice various protocols of natural healing including The Budwig Protocol, elements of the Gerson Therapy, alkaline diet, and others.

Another book in our reading queue is Outsmart Your Cancer: Alternative Non-Toxic Treatments That Work. The author of this book began researching alternative cancer treatments when a family member was diagnosed. She puts the information all together in this book that summarizes the different protocols out there.

There is a lot information to wade through in these books, and many more books out there on the market. Almost all that we've read so far involve a diet change to a diet that includes no sugar or meat, and some call for a diet that includes no animal proteins. We are still reading. We are still sorting through the application of this information in our life. We have already made some changes. We are juicing. Most of our meals have been meatless. We are buying a lot more that is organic, and are thankful that our chemical free garden is starting to produce for us. Tim has been a rock of self control when it comes to sugar. (I wish that I could say the same.) Beyond that, we are still figuring things out.

The diet changes we are incorporating now are not hurtful. Anyone can agree that adding more fruits and vegetables to your diet is healthy. We are still looking at other treatments we are reading about. We will also be talking to a nearby holistic doctor who has experience with cancer. Tim is not actively fighting cancer (that can be detected by scans,) but changing nothing, and just waiting around to see if another melanoma pops up is not acceptable. Having another one pop up and removing another chunk of Tim's shoulder is not acceptable. Having it progress to stage four and undergoing chemo with some new drug is not acceptable. We pray. We do what we can to prevent this from happening again, and then we wait and see.

Three in Double Digits

Look who turns ten today! Happy birthday Nolan!

I know it practically un American, but he has never played soccer. In fact, none of the kids have, except Kellen, who played when he was three. This fall, at school, Nolan became enthralled with soccer. Every home game he begged to be ball boy. It did have a little something to do with freebies from the concession stand, but he genuinely enjoyed running up and down the field chasing after the balls.

This spring the brochures came around for the school's summer soccer camp. Nolan jumped on the opportunity, even though it meant parting with a chunk of his own money.

Since signing up, he has been out practicing with his soccer friends after school almost every day. A friend gave him a pair of soccer cleats, and Saturday  Mamaw took him birthday shopping. They came home with soccer gear, all Warrior blue. 

Sunday after church the first thing he did was get all decked out in his new equipment. He hesitated to take the ball out. It rained most of Saturday, and he didn't want to get the ball muddy. After assuring him it was ok to get a ball muddy, he was off and running. I think he might be a little excited! I think there is a lot of bleacher sitting on my future.

I love this kid! Happy birthday to my ten year old boy! 

Joy in the Rain

It has been spring here in the 100 Acre Wood. I mean it really has been spring. It has been cool and rainy and the forest has slowly woken from its winter slumber into a beautiful green canopy. Many years spring is only a quick blip in the weather before we are in summer like conditions, but this year it truly feels like spring.

The rain doesn't stop the kids, especially our youngest, Vivian. After school she is outside enjoying the weather regardless. One day she and Nolan went  waterfall hunting. They went to the runoffs that carry the rain from the ridge deep down through the woods into the creek in our hollow. They took an old phone to take pictures with and were so proud of their discoveries.

On the day this picture was taken, it was raining. The rain was coming down in a nice steady fall, but Vivian was not deterred. She got on her bike and rode back and forth on the driveway multiple times. I missed my photo opportunity to catch her riding in the rain, but as she road, I couldn't help being a bit jealous of her. The rain was all around her. It was hitting her and soaking her clothes, yet she rode on in peace with joy.

As many of you know, our family is in the rain again. A little over a week ago we were told that what we hoped was a cyst Tim had removed, was in fact melanoma, again. Since that time I have felt very little peace and very little joy. Instead I have felt anger and frustration. In my head I know through Christ there is peace and joy that surpasses the circumstances I am in, but my heart is not seeing it.

The beauty of spring reminds me that there is hope. There is life.  There is peace and joy regardless of the storms of this life. They are all found in Christ. Oh, for my heart to see!

We will ride through the rain. Is there a choice? But Lord, may I ride through this like Vivian and her bike, with a heart full of your peace and joy regardless of what is happening around me.