So much has changed in those four years. Naturally, the kids have grown like crazy. They've matured in many ways. I think Tim would be tickled with how Kellen has grown to love the great outdoors and Lydia's budding love of backpacking. He would be pleased with Nolan's growing sense of responsibility and work ethic. He would enjoy Vivian's get it done attitude. And we would talk about how we raised them to be independent and responsible and how maybe we did too good of job with that independence part.
I think Tim would have enjoyed living back in Ohio, living a more "normal" life without the farm, and I know he would have cherished the fellowship we have here.
So much has changed in my heart in regards to the Lord in this time. There is a much greater dependency on Him, a much more real knowing of Him, and a lot less of me in all that. That has changed and continues to change things not only deep in my heart, but also the outer things. Tim's heart was always tender toward the Lord and I so wish he was here to talk with, to walk with, to seek the Lord with.
I don't like it, and I don't fully understand why it had to be this way, but there is truth in "We know that all things work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) When things are difficult even unbearable, when we are broken and turn to the Lord that is for our good. "Come, and let us return to the Lord; For He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up." (Hosea 6:1) The Lord is good. He is always good even when we don't like or understand the things that are happening around us.
I miss Tim everyday. Though very painful, I can see the love of God and the good that has come out of this difficult thing. Four years.